Daily writing prompt

If you had to give up one word that you use regularly, what would it be?

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Sometines I used to say that perhaps I had a touch of tourettes. I do nt want to make light of what is a very serious medical condition, however it is very clear that at various times so far in my life, swearing has been a form of expression that all too often becomes the way of my expressing emotionally where I am with any given situation. It always has been a matter of concern that expressing in terms that are considered potential offences in England, this means I have always felt a certain guilt at my use of language that although it expresses, punctuates, not unlike a spoken highlighter pen that lifts text on page. The use of expletives can bring humour and expression. Ihave to reconcile this potentially illegal activity. I do this solely by assuring that I never use such language as a weapon towards another. Merely as a smattering of expression. There is a marked difference I believe. However I am always concerned that law breaking is not ideal, so perhaps Fuck and other expletives are the words I perhaps should consider changng this aspect of my language… ?

Daily writing prompt

Why do you blog?

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It sounds an extreme answer, it is however true. In the midst of the lockdown, I was laid in bed lounging, I had done yoga and had the one hour walk ( as the only exit allowed ) The police van was parked at the corner of the street opposite the park. I had applied to return to Unoversity as i was no longer able to work in England. This was an awful year. IT issues, unable to reference work, the worst point being an entire piece references disappearing and instead referencing of New York Jewish scholars appeared in place. I was devastated as I wanted to complete not just a degree but to be able to write.

Then I returned to Portsmouth and Southsea, the city I had served so many years before. A city with a proud history of community and values. I made the academic transfer. It was so difficult to reconcile, the attacks I had experienced whilst living there and yet the massive support I felt from the community I had served. The first term, project one was to publish a blog, write three times a week on the subject of being a student. I tentatively set up the blog and wrote entirely about the reasons why I was at 49 years of a age a student. Week one I messaged my tutor to ask if he was on vacation ? The blog was being read in South America.. the answer was no.

These number grew and I wrote daily entirely from a gender specific persepctive that being female. There were problems, as the number of people and countries where the blog is read grew so to did the dificulties of being a surivor of sexual violence and torture by a police officer and two contractors. The behaviours were terrifying, thefts, damage, threats to kll and significant attempts to do so.

Yet as I write these things do not matter so much, having a voice is so much more important than anything else. It has been difficult but having the blog and my voice, at least in typewritten form has saved my life. Its that important, because women and children and vulnerable adults are unsafe when a country disregards human rights and responsibilities, where a kingdom decides to seek to overule law and place the vulnerable at risk of death. This blog saved my life. It is as has always been the case to speak, perhaps for others who do not have a voice. To set the examplr to stand up against injustice and tyranny. This blog explored the process to the High Court of England ruling that in my case (that means potentially others) police officers had covered for rape by a serving officer. The death threats the attacks failed and this blog is in part what saved my life. People who themselves are survivors or have faced such shocking treatment, read it and I have been supported in so many ways.

Blogging has helped me process my trauma, speak freely and eventually given teh evidence that the local government in Winchester did not want heard. It is still a priviedge to blog and i am publishing the first book this fall. This blog without one shadow of a doubt saved my life…..

So having my house flooded and a long drying process I have been struck in England and all of the intimidation and attacks that go with that.

This makes me very homesick, for the field the people my fantastic neighbours and everything about my adopted home in France….

Today having reported two thefts and experienced the worst treatment by a judge and several solicitors who public school educated consider the safety and welfare of vulnerable adults and children as nothing to do with them. That is England so today like every day I am homesick ….

The most important meal of the day. Coffee, chat and breakfast. Or reading the news relaxing over a cuppa. This daily habit is very important for my wellbeing

Fresh made egg pasta …. Rolled and cut to

Tagliatelle strips

Egg yolks Parmesan and salt and pepper whisked in a bowl with a dash of cream Parma ham small pieces mixed in. Them drop the pasta into a rolling boiling pan and and leave for a few minutes then delved and drop into bowls of ingredients stir and serve with Parmesan topping foccaiocia and olive balsamic mix to dip

Mmmmmmmm hungry

Having changed gyms more than once due to harassment and targeting. I have been lugging about my hard wearing cool bright red Nike gym bag.

I really like it . Washable and bright. But as the years have passed it’s looking a bit tired so whilst browsing through the store I literally trip over a cool wipe clean gym bag. It’s very reasonably priced my favourite American brand. Delighted I felt the flicker of excitement packing a fresh towel and gym clothes.

It’s the small things in life that bring a smile or excitement…. For me anyways

Daily writing prompt

What motivates you?

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Many people since I started this blog have asked me.. Do you get paid ? How much do you make ? and how have you survived the unsurvivable ? I never answer directly. Money is a private thing and most certainly essential for lifes needs. However, not a motivating factor for anytime other than basic needs. In fact with Three pound and 26 pence in my ban account at the end of every month, working sixty hours a week and fianncially supporting three children, with a huge mortgage and almost daily harassment I made do, creatively cooked from scratch, mended ad passed on clothing wherever possible and kept a clean and tidy home and as my Nan always a said kept the front step brushed. Through those years, trying to avoid further detentions and forced medicating I literally lived for the Justice of raising my children for the time I was allowed with them as carefully and setting the example of what women are capable of. During all those years I lived with faith in God and a sense of making sure that my children had some normalcy, when the authorities went to the utter extreme to defend and cover for the violence and attacks that the rapist and assosciates exposed us too. How did that motivate me ? Now I look back it was the sense that there was something bigger going on than just the dire and terrifying circumstances. That something bigger than me and my children and the abuse was in the world and that faith would always mean justice. So many people assume that money is a motivating factor in my life, yet in truth, compassion, bravery, truth and faith are what motivate me every day. Money can come and go through no fault of ones own, yet values, integrity and faith can ever be taken away. Somehow, even when facing death I found somewhere inside me the strength from faith. The people who have been part of each othes lives, who share values of decency, repsect, honesty and Justice, are the shining light at times of great darkness. I try and make sure that throughout to the best of my ability and within my power, that I do the same for others as I would want for me. Life itself is motivating, yet faith and justice truely make life worth the struggles and pain and suffering….

I spent many years writing gratitude lists. Even in the darkest days of being locked up in an asylum, my liberty driving licence career and children all taken as punishment for speaking up about having been raped and brutally attacked by a (still serving) police officer.

I still often wrote even short gratitude lists, food nutrition a bed to rest in and life itself… so many people do not even have those basic things. This practice instilled a feeling of real gratitude for even the simplest of things.

As I sip coffee this morning and eat granola honey and blueberries for breakfast gazing at them huge sail shaped tower across the water, I feel nothing but gratitude.

My babies suffered enormously as have I. Yet we have our lives and our humour ! As the sun streams in through the window I feel enormous gratitude for the bravery of men who have stood for the principles, not perhaps those of England, but in the world. International law the founding principles grown from the inhumanity and horrors of civilised nations murdering millions of people. Not casualties of war, but ethnic cleansing. Men who fight to uphold these laws, these protections from tyranny are what makes me feel grateful everyday….. Gratitude my positive place practiced everyday …. Make a list of gratitude.

Daily writing prompt

How would you describe yourself to someone?

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Describing ourselves happens at various times in our lives. First day at school, first Curriculum Vitae, First application for college and then on every training course that is attended. The description becomes less detailed for training courses and ice breakers, yet all of these times really focuses the mind on how one sees one self. The description over the last thirty years has changed very little !

When I was at school I described myself as pretty, funny and clever. Modesty was unrequired, as my family raised me to know that I was special to them and that they were special to me. Blonde hair, blue eyes, bunches, plaits, pretty ribbons and cute outfits and an aspiring collection of Barbies… all really helped me to see myself as those very simple things.

As time passed I still saw myself as all of these things and more, yet people I met did not view me in the same way. Leaving an all girls school was an enormous shock. Young men just saw me as secondary, in my views, my life and my choices. I was a convenience of gender to them and eventually a punchbag and finally just three holes for their relief. This was the most horrific dehumanisation of a person. Having in formative years been protected and recovering from child sexual abuse, adulthood was a whole new survival facet.

I suppose in reality with the arrival of the new Barbie movie ( I am not attending a kids film!) that reviews are raving about. I am wholly aware that the origin was a poseable sex doll from Germany. So the sexual aspect that we should arrive to in adulthood, I was exposed to at far too young an age, when sexual interest was non exsistent, because children are not sexually aware, or prepared physically or emoptionally for sexual activity. The reson why stringent laws exist in terms of childhood is for that very reason.

So having written my first book, watch this space, working on the second, blogging and podcasting. The content very much encompasses the issues of non consensual sexual violence. No child can consent, so the sexual abuse is always sexual violence !. So as a young person my simple description of myself still stands. I am funny, clever and pretty. But all of that pales into insignificance when I see that sexual abuse and sexual and physical and emotional violence by men took all of that away. My financial independance, my careers, my looks ( when I was so heavily medicated for PTS for 10 years ) I am surprising now to have survived and therefore I would describe myself as a survivor…