Are you seeking security or adventure?

Security in any sense is about protection and planning or response to any circumstances. Using the analogy of a relationship and activity we undertake has risk of being hurt or any number of negative outcomes. Yet when the relationship is secure it slows exploration and discovery of ourselves with another person. The security allows safe exploration of any aspect of an Evperience. I would say adventure can only happen she there is a level of security, be that training, skills, research or planning. All life is an adventure, but truely the only enjoyable adventures I have ever had always required security of some sort…..

When you have a friend who is with no question the most special man in the entire world, the vacation is always going to be the best ever!! Winter in North America, the coldest in history. It is minus thrity and counting. I have no coat warm enough so I have to order one in the sale. It is an artic Musto, broght blue with a Parka hood and fur trim. Its baggy and at the time my mousey hair and flowery skirts were as unglamorous as the coat !!

The jacket arrives in the post just after christmas and he pops in and looks at it. Iam stood like a gawky girrafe with the hood up and it over my fluffy jim jams. Not the most attractive look ever (but we are friends so thats ok !) He looks at me and says ‘It fits’ I literally giggle. There is the compliment …. not, it is however true the coat fits! …. No glamour but frost bite is not apealling!

So we are sharing a room rather than having to sleep in the basement and the city pad is one bed anyway! So I am packed for what looks like a month away (not eight days …) My friend is more practically packed with one bag. I barely sleep the night before with excitement. He agrees to drive to Gatwick I book the parking. I cannot lie I spend most of the journey sat quiety listening to the radio and every so often gazing admiringly at my friend (sad but true! )

Arrival at the airport and I am regretting my OTT packing. The bags are cumbersome… So we stop for coffee at Girraffe. I order my usual cappuccino and it arrives with a chocolate heart on top. I smile and we discuss repurposing honey pots as salt and pepper shakers… I am a nervous flier and as we board I feel the nervousness. I ordered seats with additional leg room as he is tall and I am scared of flying!! It is fair to say that as we take off he politely asks if I would like to hold his hand and I of course thank him. I try and ignore the most beautiful watch I have ever seen in my life! His calmness is reassuring and we settle for the eight hours.

The first part of our vacation is spent with the folks. I take pictures in the garden in my bathing costume for my brother and sister in law, joking it’s a beach holiday ! We walk around the town, admire the lakes and visit Niagara Falls. It is a once in lifetime event that falls are actually frozen. The view from Rainbow bridge is breathtaking.

Then downtown for a few days. Starting with my first helicopter ride in my life. It is the coolest ever! The headphones are not attractive with the Parker jacket and oversized sunglasses, but still he’s my friend so that is unimportant. I am still scared of heights so handholding is reassuring. The views are just amazing. Flying around the skyscrapers over the lake is the most exciting thing I had done to that point in my life.

Then we have tickets for Ice hockey, our team wins and a lot of jumping and shouting (from me) Then because I was doing the planning I wanted to take my friend ( who has been everywhere). To do something he has never done before. So we go to a small theatre on the outskirts to see Macbeth, the rock version. Me laughing as he looks vaguely amused by my quirky choice. A visit to see Dippy the Dionsaur art galleries and a cold but fascinating wonder through Chinatown.

I manage to stand on the balcony of the 56th floor and We take the trip to the top of the CN. I vomit with vertigo and then braver at heights with each day of our vacation I lay facedown on the glass floor and make pretend snow angels. Our trip ends with me not being able to pack my ridiculous amount of clothing back into the castes without inelegantly sitting on them. He casually packs perfectly, whilst we have the Crown on TV.

The folks are the best folks anyone could ever ask for, even building a basement apartment because of the issues I and the children experience in England. They adore my friend as much as I do. It was the vacation of a lifetime. Frozen Niagra to rock Macbeth. It was however as much about the company. Travelling with friends or family is always the best !!!!!

I love to learn. Not just study but all aspects of life. Learning is great Understanding a concep, an idea, an opinion, a historical text and deciphering the bias in all that happens in the world. My love of learning, came from my Grandfather. He would ask me questions, philosophy, politics, science or current affairs.

I of course did not know the answer, in most cases these were critical thinking exercises, for me it meant me reading verciferously for joy and for knowledge and ideas. In the formal setting of school the best teachers were the ones who allowed the study to be more than just question and answers, but to look at a subject from a variety of aspects.

My English teacher was the first to really do this in school after my Grandfathers tremendous efforts at home. Reading a text was never just story, it raised many questions, what was the authors position in life, why was the book written, what was happening in society at the time ? Why do some authors rely heavily on allegory ? ( think censorship!) Why were some books so controversial when they were written?

This lease to view the written word just deepened my love of learning. I particularly think the use of real world context, theatre, labs and any number of other experiences are also the sign of a great teacher.

The greatest teachers of all, ignite the inquisitive nature of their students and given them freedom to learn and explore and create and take part in the learning process. Teaching is so much more than knowledge!

France is the country of cuisine, liberty and lifestyle. I was unprepared for the utter beauty and amazing places throughout the country. I have tried many new foods that are delicious. However the most amazing food in the entire world I have ever tasted is Cassoulet. This Duck and Lamb confection is more delicious than I can describe. its rich thick sauce is delicious and the meat stewed on the bone is more tender than I can describe. My love for this food developed when I was sat in my home, it was damp and dark and I was contemplating the works and drama that was to unfold.

I drove to the supermarket and purchased cassoulet and the freshest baguette with french butter , green beans. As I cooked it slowly on the fire stove, and warmed the bread the smell comforted me with the warmth of the fire.

This meal sat reading a French magazine to improve my language skills was the perfect combination of flavour, smells and taste. France without any doubt is the cuisine capital of the world and this food feeds the sould

For the English summertimes growing up, Vanilla ice cream made with clotted cream. The taste divine and perfection. With sand between my toes on the coast of the Dorset, can it any better ? I don’t think so… Perfect and when I taste Cornish Ice Cream I am transported back to that place every time!!

Many years ago, with a mortgage that was expoentially more than I could afford. My career in police service ruined by the men and women whoo covered for the rapist. Who went on to terrorise me as the mother of children and encouraged his assosciate with whom I had a baby all those years ago, to harass and remove the baby as punishment for leaving him and having as he had said when I was pregnant ‘a bastard baby who he would make sure I never saw again’ ( said when I was just four months preganant )

However despite the pressure from Hampshire social care professionals who were very keen to cover the offences and try and gain leverage to ensure other males in positions of trust remained free to offend. The court in Portsmouth could not overule social workers in conference, they did however do everything to try and allow the youngest time at home with me and her sisters.

I lived on a budget where at the end of every month I had three pounds and fifty seven pence in my bank account. I had been refused work with every company in Hampshire until a family company offered me a job. I worked anything up to sixty hours a week. Before and after school club were essential. The company allowed me to manage the office in Portsmouth and Southsea as the rapist and his assosciates had been arrested by officers and although the CPS refused ANY charges, the safeguarding in Portsmouth is the best in the country !

There was often not much time for loads of going fr expensive trips out, so mealtimes sat around the table in the kitchen, with chimney breast covered in cork tiles and art work certificates, letters from school and hand prints on the agreed house rules, were pinned from floor to ceiling. Mealtimes for cost saving had to be made from scratch and food was placed in serving bowls, where we could help ourselves. The discussions were often lively.

There one moment in time that is a favourite memory. All three children say around the table. Food in front of us and toddler in the high chair cooing and eating. The eldest had read the book and asked me ‘ If we were in Nazi Germany which of us would you hand over if you was Sophie ?’ Given the circumstances of our lives, the question was relevant and pertinent. ( Discovering potential Jewish heritage recently makes this memory bring tears to my eye! ) I answer, ‘ this is not Nazi Germany and I am not going to have to hand over a child to be murdered’ The answer ‘yes I know but like if you did which one would it be?’ The younger sister stared with big brown eyes and a shock of long thick curly hair. Her sallow eastern european colouring and rosy cheeks, with the saddest eyes whilst listening intently she said ‘it wouldnt be me would it ?’ I reply again that it is not something we have to hink about as thankfully the Nazi party did not make it to England.

The questions kept being asked, curious minds. Why did the man only take one child ? He took the baby why the baby ? Why did she choose to hand over the baby ? The homemade curtains over the large kitchen window framed the perfect blue sky with puffy white clouds. I try and explain that this was done to break the spirit of the Jewish people, so that they were not able to fight back. That they took children because they did not want Jewish people to exist so the children were taken. ‘Did they do that here ? ‘ was the question from my middle childs mouth as her eyes widened in terror. No I reassured. That could not happen here I reassure them all.

The conversation moved on to school, homework and what costumes for the carnival float for the Village fete….

Within a few years once of the children was hiding in a wardrobe when police tried to kick down my front door ( the rapist ) My baby who became very unwell on a rare visit, had to be taken to the Court foyer where wrapped in a blanket with a hugh temperature and screaming she was pulled from my arms by court staff. Then finally when threats to kill were made Police arrived at out home and took her from her bed and handed her back to the man ( her father who made those threats ) some years later she is attacked by him. The police powerless as social care demanded that the child be handed over for abuse.

That memory of the kitchen table is always a favourite. the laughter the food the simplicity and safety within that home. Destroyed and our safety torn away like my posessions and evetually my liberty itself….

When at home in France it is similar to that home. The safety the layout and having survived it is the place chosen to mae sure that there is a place that is safe. France had the largest civillian resistance against the Nazi regime. In my home there is a false wall with hiding room. The country has a sense liberty and safety that is almost palpable. I often wonder back to those times and that memory.

Picture the day. I having survivied serious sexual volence, end up unable to work and support myself, or fully my children. It is difficult, it makes me scared and sad that speaking up about the attacks meant me having to lie to keep the chlldren as safe as possible from contractors ex military and government staff, who think that targeting is acceptable in some cases. As a mother it is natural for children of any age to want to be supported and safe. Trauma makes that difficult. Often survivors are blamed because blaming perpetrators can bring great fear and sometimes if abusers are successful at evading consequences they can model abusive behaviours as they enter adult hood to replicate the example set by abusers.

This is very well documented in dysfunctional famillies, yet not eery survivor decides to abuse others, but some do. Familiial violence and abuse is complex, moreso when there is a vulnerability.

So puppy arrived few weeks ago. We are packing to go home to france and he is settling in the heat. Vacinnations done and the arrival of message from the High Court, they have approved recovering costs and compensation from the UK govenement and potentialy hear evidence about men and women who took part in coverig for the offender or target me as the victim. With the asistance of staff in the City we ensure the evidence is uploaded and save for the court. the case was ongong all last year and this was well known in local forces and governance. Likely the offenders themselves knew !!!!

So upload docs and arrive back a apartment. Run a bath and whilst settling into my iversized dressing gown all wet hair and slippers. Pup is but grumpy after vaccinations and sitting on floor!!! It ten o clock at night. The front door on the latch ready to be able to pups out when lounge gear ready to be thrown on. The door is opened and a male and female plain clothes with flourescent baseball caps emblazoned with ‘police’ Male six foot two massive build and with a beard and very aggressive atitude female rude. Pups scampers. I am placed under arrest for stalking with fear of violence between 2021 to 2023. the person an assosciate of the rapist.

I dont know where the person lives, what the address just a thrid party agreement to send gifts for Christmas, Easter and Birthday for last year during the high court case. The officers mention violence which means they can arrest and also with a recordable offence they have additional powers. I am holding my phone having my twice weekly call to the government professional helpline called Rape Crisis, The officers tell me to find somewhere for the puppy or they are phoning the RSPCA to remove him. I have to dress. No dignity bedroom door open the male wondering in the hallway I have to strip to get dressed. No direction from female for him to move away. I am mortified. I strip and select skirt and blouse.

They ask to pick up puppy I refuse. I call friends who say that he can stay. Rape Crisis staff record the incident. I try and maintain composure but I am terrifie dth rapist works at police station the offciers havent identified where they are from. I try and explain and they tell me I am being taken to Surrey. I pack a grab bag for pups and as I pack my handbag they demand my phone seize it. I ask for a receipt, apparenty not possible. I am shocked.

Delivering pups to friends I then sit in the car in back with female officer. I explain the background to the situaton and the timing of their arrest within hours of High Court documents being stored and proceedings approved. She looks at me and says nothing but Gosh. I suggest that in Surrey Gosh may be ok but in Pompey where I study and have worked Gosh ain’ it !!!

We discuss the targeting I have experienced with some anti semetic undertones, the male is very quiet. He asks about the High Court and I explain and he goes silent. He tells me this is not his investigation. He had been told to arrest me by a senior officer. They were to arrest deliver nothing more. It is the first indication that this a rounding up harassment exercise. He is silent. I see him glance at me in his rear view mirror almost the look of empathy. the female just smiles and say Gosh again.

We arrive at custody the male is very quiet and says loudly to her and some colleagues nearby. I am going now to write my statement about what has been said. She glances at him with a look of disdain. I try to smile but it is difficult. then custody arrival.The sargeant asks for no specifics or evidence of the fear of violence aspects and in fact agrees detention. Then he tells me I can expect a long stay as the ‘team’ have no intention of interviewing me i am going to be held for likely twelve hours. I am terrifed. I have anxiety and ptsd from the attacks. The cell has no windows in walls or door. It is a green box.

No watch no idea of time. A cup of teas and two blankets before any access to legal advice on the detention aspect I am threatened with taking my fingerprints by force… Great !!

I decide that given the PACE breaches of expeditous and necessary detention for invesigation. No statement signed, no evidence explained at all. I ask for legal advice. denied. Iam told at 7am they are appointing a solicitor. Turns out they had one pre booked from Hampshire. By this time I am terrfied. My PTSD running wild very distressed. I have to use the toilet with CCTV. Something that one of the contractors who threatened to kill me had demanded me to do years before. I buzz and ask if there is a facility to use the toilet. A female laughs and says there is but I am not to use it as it is broken. My heart drops. I cry. I sob and after hours I use my eternity ring to drag across my skin on my hands and arms leaving red scratch marks the pain helps me to focus on not falling asleep.

I then decide that the answer is to request the brief who repreasented my friend years ago, who the rapist had threatened to kill. I make the request and provide the details. At 7 am the phone is handed to me. it is not my brief. I hang up and tell custody staff that it s not my solicitor I want to record a formal complaint and speak to my brief as soon as possible. The firm send a representative from Portsmouth. Hugely experienced. I feel relieved as suddenly there are faces of staff looking slightly more perturbed. Nonetheless the interview goes ahead. I explain the circumstances and the UCA failures in safeguarding and Surrey Police. I most worryingly have to explain to two officers how safeguarding visit shouldbe undertaken. They tell me that they dont do that, I already know !!!!!

The papers show that the statement was taken just a few weeks before the High Court hearing in January. My picture on social media dates it perfectly. I realise then that this is a statement obtained from a vulnerable adult and acted upon when Hampshire and governance orgnisations finally realise that our judicairy in London are incorruptable. That they always comply with law not political or financial bribes. This came as shock to governance whose moonlighing companies having tax payers for govenrment services with litte or no oversight.

Anyway the statement is not shared the messages show absolutely no threat and nothing at all in the past year. I offer my laptop, mindful that my messages and accounts have been hacked and whilst in custody there was an attempt to access my american email account with the documents and messages on. The officers then ask after sixteen hours if I can given them the pin to my phone. Literally in sixteen hours no one though to ask so that it could be checks copied and returned with a CPS decision.

My brief is excellent and leaves having been told they are going to bail.

They don’t I am returned to the cell and left there for a further two hours. No Lunch. Eventually I call and say that i want to speak to my brief again and hastily they rush to the cell bail me. Simply telling me not to go anywhere that person might be. I have no idea where the person lives or is going to be living or works. They decide arbiarily that I have to return in Septmeber, unless Ihear from them. No receipt for the phone nothing !!

Exhausted unshowered hungry I leave and get a train.

I arrive and my friends feed me dinner as I try and place an amusing slant on being detained and threatened entirely in breach of law. Its not really to laugh about….

I arrive home to find the High court papers have been delivered and rightly a parking ticket (Ihad not chance to move my car !)

What a day….. 36 hours awake for state harassment. Not as long as previous times but definitely the worse yet.

So the number on the settlement is irrelevant now. My exeperience is too shocking to really verbalise at times…. Yet there are people in this society who stand up to this. the driver, the staff who helped with documents friends who have just stepped in and saved my life. I cannot ever repay their actions other than knowing that there is nothing I would not do for them that was within my power. Mainly that is protecting them and trying to make sure that they are safe even though they bravely support me and in so doing many many survivors.

The frst book that had a massive impact on my life was the legend of Gilgamesh. The version of life thousands of years ago where men were warriors and presumably women slaves. Its writing on the tablets of stone are fascinating insight into a time in mesopotamia. Then I read the King James Bible in English delivered by Amazon in bite sized chunks. Again aside of the Jewish man Jesus, alot of men there and writing afterwards that present the account in translation as the depiction of the coming of the Messaih on earth. Interesting as it denotes the ideology that the Jewish community and gentiles alike were responsible for the death of Jesus. That he rose from death and hs life was as predicted in the Torah (by translation) However this book thats centres the state church in England ( aside from Iran one of the only states where church is state ) It was read in English and I can read Latin as the Roman translation was recorded. Again the story of men, ruling and using the facts of Jesus’ life as a format for male priviledge. I found this difficult. At the time of reading the bible in a year I was beaten up and left bleeding by a male attacker procured by the diocese in England to try and silence my specking up about sex offending and child sex offending in England, by men in positions of trust. This reading of the Bible I disregarded all but the parts that spoke of the life of the Jewish man. the allegory, the fact he was a Rabbi who shared the word of God with gentiles and women. He performed miracles of healing and spirituality that are wonderous, even in the modern days of medicine ! What struck me about this was the appearance of women in the Bible, that he treated women equally. When the culture of the time had slavery of women, historic records denote sexual activity (rape) of women and children and slaves both male and female. The story of Jesus struck something in my core. Then Torah. This ancient script writen in Hebrew. That God does not speak in English was a bit of a shock! As I cannot read Torah I had to ask and watch clips of Rabbis. This was the truest revelation of all. Women as great warriors, men and women alike punished for breaking Gods laws. Ten rules to remember that God requires of his chosen people. This was a shock. I knew the commandments, I very much have tried to live by them from the yougest age. This book and the Rabbis who speak with wisdom and grace, made me think that all of this time I was in fact correct. That Gods laws are there for a reason. Jesus as a Rabbi made this clear. As is the case with the state of Israel, defending oneself is acceptable.These three books are the most significant in my life. One showed me a history where men fought great battles in ancient times and women were invisible. One showed me that men were prepared to use the word of God to hide and attack people who are vulnerable or female without consequence of the law. Lastly I learnt that the very commandments I was taught from the youngest age are the word of God. Although I cannot read Hebrew, I am certain that women and men exist in difference and equitably in Gods world. That it is acceptable to defend oneself, yet not attack. that miracles do happen as Jesus showed the world. Jesus was one of Gods chosen people and he like the word of God in the Torah showed equality to women and those who were vulnerable…. Ten Commandments.