What was the best compliment you’ve received?

A friend often tells me the story of having a wife. That having an intelligent wife is an asset, but not too intelligent ! So as a widow and surivor of serious gender based violence and sexual violence, I was invited on a ‘date’ to a house owned by the state. ( The Crown and government estate is huge !) Anyways, I accepted the invitation and after the meal stood in the kitchen the person looked at me and said ‘you are frighteningly intelligent! Now this may not seen as though it is the best compliment that a woman can receive. Surely I would have been more satisfied by him telling me I was beautiful ? But no. My body I was born with, apart from non essetial surgery ( which I have not had ) it is what god gave me. My mind however, that is all my own work. The pain the disappointment, the reading, studying, parenting, playing, competing and growing. That is all hard work sweat and tears. That was the greatest compliment I ever had. Not that I want o be frightening , but that an intelligent , privately educated man considered me so bright… However on the funny side, my most special person in the whole world said he wanted to see me in long socks and my new bleach blonde Barbie style hair…. Not perhaps the greatest compliment, but absolutely hilarious…

You’re going on a cross-country trip. Airplane, train, bus, car, or bike?

Having crossed several countries, this is not the most straightforward question. However is it worth further thought ?… Why not ! If I was travelling across a war torn zone/country, as I have done before. Unless it was as a paid member of the armed services or a trained volunteer, it is safe to say an aeroplane is my travel of choice, preferrably escorted by a couple of fight jets or with surface to air missile cover just in case …

So war aside, I am a massive fan of all modes of transport. Train is my preferred transport in England. Views, quiet and wifi for blogging, writing, listening to music. There is one distinct downfall for me. I love to sing. It was the one thing that during covid I missed the most, choir practices, performances. Needless to say driving ( aside from bathroom accoustics is the best place to sing along to all my favourite tracks, Norah Jones, Allanis Morrisette and of course of a strong day Adele. Driving across France it is perfect for singing singing singing, great road and views. Singing on the train is not a great look and causes understandable consternation (untested) by fellow passengers!!

I am not the Lycra clad cycle across th country type. A very sound ex boyfriend cycled across England for cancer research, noble, but not the first thing plan on doing. The reality is it just depends, howver my least favourite option is coach, tried travelling across Europe, leg in plaster from falling out of a white water raft, it was not fun…. I am ever hopeful that they add boat to this question, exciting way to travel across or around a country!! And no one to hear or see me practicing my singing …..

How would you rate your confidence level?

This is such a strange idea, a level, a rating, a reading of level, a judgement. It isnt possible to guage biological responses to environment and experience. Or is it ? I am constantly ticking boxes about how I feel about a customer experience, or a purchase, a meal. Is this the same as guaging how I feel emotionally about my abilities as a human being ?… Should I even judge myself. Is confidence measureable. Do I even want to do so?

Ok maybe I could have answered this question with a few words. A quick refelection. But I cannot do so. It required self reflection and then judgement. On the outside I would say for fifty years of age as a woman I am not invisible. Men and women are regualarly rude or disparaging towards me ( how dare I not be invisible ! ) This of course dents my sense of self. Of not belonging to wider society properly fully. That male judgement anf therefore female reinforced behaviours of rudeness and abusive targeting ( how dare I write ?… Have something to say…refuse to accept abuse. ) are soul destroying. This does affect my cofidence, the ability to interact with people with confidence and openess. Not because I dont want to, but because the fear erroded my sense of being accepted by others.

Today is mothers day. The day of enforced celebration of mothers. Yet being a mother is not on the whole a matter for celebration. It is a role that has so many inherant dangers, violence, rape, state intervention, poverty and general abuse. I do not feel a real need to celebrate this. Its like having a special day for survivors of torture and war to celebrate !! I am acceptable to mysef, I can accept that each day i am trying my very best and managing to cope. As a mother I am not a failure, just environentally failed. This gives me confidence as a suvivor to see the other joys in life.

What makes you most anxious?

As I have PTSD from being attacked, I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. This presents as anxiety when faced with reminders, reliving the trauma and nightmares. I developed coping mechanisms for the wakeful parts of my disability, self care, internal scripts to reassure myself and avoidance. This has been hugely successful and EMDR techniques really work well. However the dreams cannot be conquered and sleep anxiety is very real. Ask any man I have shared a bed with, they witness the real impact that the attacks had on my unconcious life. A fews years back I woke at my boyfriends house in the middle of the night. I was terrifed that the rapist was going to turn up at the house so I got up dressed and left. I drove to my house thirty miles away. He was so confused he phoned a 5 am asking if I was ok. Then a few years later I was staying with an ex colleague, I woke in the night and there were not lights and blackout curtains. I woke in the night and was convinced the rapist was in the bed. I experienced a massive anxiety attack, unable to breath and crying unable to speak. His darth vader impressions certainly assisted me to calm down. However it is a very real anxiety. Most recently after giving evidence in the court case i was waking every night and covinced that he was at the door of the apartment . Trying to break it down. I woke at the point in the dream where I was pressing my whole weight against the door trying to keep him out. This brings anxiety as I have no control over it. It is terrifying and more than unsettling… It makes me anxious because the dreams are so vivid and it feels as though he is there. the terror is overwhelming….

What activities do you lose yourself in?

My grandfather told me about the man who sat naked in a barrel finding himself in the truest freedom. Now I considered how I might lose mysef ? I am not entrely covinced by the sitting in a barrel naked. Freedom it may be but I wonder practically how much fun freedom really is, well that sort anyway. I wondered about the times where I lose myself and ordinarily I think it has been in personal relationships. This is not the greatest positive I can think of, it is however true. From the very first romantic relationship I had, Ilost something of myself in it. Like my needs were not prioritised, were not important. The lack of respect chipped away at my identity, my sense of who I was. The creativitiy, my theatre, music and fun activities were all curtailed to fit in around the romantic relatioships, that all in there own way ended in violence, or coercion of some sort. It was not a great way to get lost. ow Idont really like that feeling. Even losing myself in a film or a book is difficult. Its like giving up something of me, my personal time and thoughts and creativity and activities to someone else. I learnt that I like to feel present, in the moment. Not lost, in any moment or activity. Except in writing. An activity where I can lose sense of time and place, lost in the words, lost to the world, but not lost to myself, it is the greatest joy in my life.

What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times?

I had to think twice, was it Sex in the City or Friends ? Ok so it was absolutely Friends. Five disparate characters, who clearly had chemistry off and on screen, centred around an on off romance. I watched this so many times, remembering the massive pay row, where they agreed to all get pais the same despite clearly not all five having equal storytime or popularity. Also I cannot get away from the fact that I identify with Rachel, the coffee house worker, wih ambiion who ends up with her man, her perfect Job and life… Although it took a number of series to get there!! As much as Carrie Bradshawas New York character was hip and the most feminist series. However, for me Friends has a feel good vibe, with its humour, it cross gender relationships and joyful normality. Although possibly the wardrobes of a coffee house worker, probably in real life do not and never did extend to loft apartment with daily cool outfits. However, even to this day, if I want to feel a warm hug in a TV series, it Friends all the way ….

Are you superstitious?

So I was told of so many superstitions growing up. First I remember was touching wood. I used to think that absurd. However once or twice of course I tried it….Nothing. Ok so nothing I noticed anyway. Then there was picking dandelions was banned as the superstition is that it made you wet the bed. I cannot lie I did this too (well I had to check it out as an idea !!) However needless to say I didnt wet the bed. I am sure much to my parents delight ! This went on to not walking udner ladders or cracks in the pavement. To my childhood self, I never noticed if it was lucky or not but I had alot of fun dodging ladders and skipping on paving slabs without stepping in the cracks….Did this make a difference to being lucky or unlucky…. no.

I tried having a favourite colour , lucky days of the week pants (mine were Saturday as we never had hot food just a brilliant TV cold buffet. Watching television. This happened though regardless of my days of the week pants. As I grew up, I was however concious of a faith. This happened at what point I am not sure. Except that at about ten years of age I walked into my local church. I had as all children at my school said prayers, visited church at Easter and Christmas. I was called upon to read in church, and this continued. I sang in choir and had atended sunday school. These were the fondest memories, a cold stone church with wooden pews. Full to the doors with chidren, singing and celebrating festivals. For me my faith in myself and God grew expoentially. Seeing God working through me and those around me. I learnt the relationship required early, growing God conciousness. This surpassed superstition, however sometimes I cannot resist walking around a ladder!!

Which animal would you compare yourself to and why?

Meow … Most defiitely a feline creature. Where do I start ? Self contained is the first similarity. Indepedant and adventurous, Orlando the wonder cat has had many adventures in his life so far ! Flexible with ownership, cats adapt to environment and are able to fit into famillies with ease. Raising babies alone, to be independant and survival focused adult cats. Fierce in defence, yet never attack. Nine lives or more, Orlando jumped from a first floor window, took on a larger cat to defend territory, eats food that mde him sick, got lost and found in France, travelled on boats and spent ten years sharing a bed with a doggo. definitely me, I am not a doggo identifying person, but I love them and adapt like a cat! FInally food, I eat until I am full and can leave food, very feline like… Cats rule I love them and definitely my twinned animal !!

There is a beautiful secret to English Life and when I discovered it many years ago, I was delighted. The stores are John Lewis. The perfect place for shopping and browsing and a real favourite of mine ! So any shopping spree for me is that department store. Can I explain why ? Not really you have to go there to really get why, carefully curated and diverse with all the must haves !!

Where would you go on a shopping spree?

What is the last thing you learned?

Driving to the University this week I crossed the bridge to the Island and was immediately struck by the appearance of a cuper yacht moored at the Harbour. Its splendour and breathtaking size and beauty, for a private super yacht, actually made me take a deep breath.The design is as one might expect sleek and the white finish shines beautifully in the light. Its proportions are balanced and even the usual rather cumbersome looking radars that appear as a huge ‘blob’ making the appearance of ice cream on a cone. This has an an aentena design that is both attractive and gives the appearance of repreaesention of of a yucca or an exotic flower.

I am not struck by envy, just admiration, the beauty the size and the design. So I have to know more. Upon arrival I learn a great deal from googling the super yacht. It is designed and built in Germany and is the 10th Largest privately owned super yacht in tht world. Owned by the Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi, who is also a ruler in the UAE, foreign affairs. He is considered the most powerful man in the UAE. In my googling I have some quiet tears. The man who was involved with my mother was also from Abu Dhabi, the photograph of the Crown Prince reminds me of the looks of the gentleman who was part of our family in my formative years. The quiet assurance, impeccable sense of how to treat women and children, generous, caring and protective. His influence was the greatest gift in my life. He showed me what men can and in my opinion should be, if they are in relationship with women.

I learnt the pratical details of the yacht, the excitement of seeing it there and a few quiet moments reflecting all those years ago, on the impact that he had on my life and how he repreaesented his country in such an impactful way. I learnt more than the vital statistics of the yacht, I was reminded of the time gone past and that at the points in life of my acheivements as a young adult, it was my Mums partner who I looked forward to being told. The support he gave and encouagement was something that I have never forgotten.

Seeing Opera in the Harbour in the city I have served and have given evidence in a case of importance and almost concluded writing my first book. It is not small part due to the input that he had in my life. I learnt that I am forever grateful for a country that produced such a fine man.