How would you rate your confidence level?
This is such a strange idea, a level, a rating, a reading of level, a judgement. It isnt possible to guage biological responses to environment and experience. Or is it ? I am constantly ticking boxes about how I feel about a customer experience, or a purchase, a meal. Is this the same as guaging how I feel emotionally about my abilities as a human being ?… Should I even judge myself. Is confidence measureable. Do I even want to do so?
Ok maybe I could have answered this question with a few words. A quick refelection. But I cannot do so. It required self reflection and then judgement. On the outside I would say for fifty years of age as a woman I am not invisible. Men and women are regualarly rude or disparaging towards me ( how dare I not be invisible ! ) This of course dents my sense of self. Of not belonging to wider society properly fully. That male judgement anf therefore female reinforced behaviours of rudeness and abusive targeting ( how dare I write ?… Have something to say…refuse to accept abuse. ) are soul destroying. This does affect my cofidence, the ability to interact with people with confidence and openess. Not because I dont want to, but because the fear erroded my sense of being accepted by others.
Today is mothers day. The day of enforced celebration of mothers. Yet being a mother is not on the whole a matter for celebration. It is a role that has so many inherant dangers, violence, rape, state intervention, poverty and general abuse. I do not feel a real need to celebrate this. Its like having a special day for survivors of torture and war to celebrate !! I am acceptable to mysef, I can accept that each day i am trying my very best and managing to cope. As a mother I am not a failure, just environentally failed. This gives me confidence as a suvivor to see the other joys in life.