How did it happen that one day after six years of a simple court case in the United Kingdom, I woke up one day and felt hatred for my race…? Is it a form of self loathing or hatred projected to people who have similar recognisable physical features as me ?
Or is it that after six years and two murders of my daughters, I no longer feel that I share the same values as the race I was born to?
My hatred is so real it actually manifests itself… with a physical reaction so strong, I literally cry, from nowhere. I realised this today, I am no in Europe, I have been away for a good few weeks. The plan to relocate as far from Europe as is possible, maybe not physically, but most definitely culturally. Its not a collapse of faith, a sudden change in belief in God, it is the harshest realisation that this is about people and my minds reaction to visual reminders of the race that tried to kill my faith and murdered my family.
This was white males. There place of origin, professed religious or non religious background irrelevant. White males and females. This is hard for me as I share the same skin tone. I realise maybe people view me the same, I can understand that they would. I try to stop myself from the feelings… But its really tough.
Today whilst sat drinking a quiet cup of coffee the sun shining, waiting for the new book covers to arrive from the design team, newly returned to Dubai after the war. A white male walks into the coffee shop. He stands out by his dress as do I. Yet this is where the similarity ends. He is wearing army khaki and sports the shaven head of the collaborators. He is licking his lips the body language of the snake as I call it… wearing ear buds and flashing the gold wedding band of Christianity, the sure sign that sets him apart in the region. I no longer wear mine. After nine years and significant weight loss it no longer fits and after the British stole my engagement ring and watches I no longer wear the rings at all.
Anyway lets get back to it… white people… the race that I was abused by as a child, the race that abused my children, stole my possessions home and safety more than one. The race that tried to steal my citizenship and education…Then murdered my two daughters… threw one in a reservoir and the other burnt illegally after moving to an apartment owned by a white male…
You see, when I receive any of the attacks its by white people. They often blame or use the details of people who do not have white skin, but it fails repeatedly… because it has all been caused by white people. Its not ALL white people. the moment I hear an American accent with a white person I breath a sigh of relief…
The truth is though that any other accent on a white person makes me panic… If that’s possible… Today my visible rage almost spilled over… The man the snake tongue, the arrogant strut, the sitting flashing the ring staring from across the cafe and I felt sick, not queasy, not unsettled, just sick and angry.
Was it his fault ? Did he throw my little girls body off of a small bridge into a reservoir? ..No he did not. But his very presence, his arrogance, his staring made me angry…
Unreasonable…maybe. But I have grown used to not being with people who share my skin colour and have felt safe and happy. Maybe for the first time in many years. Today confronted with western dressed white men I feel unsafe for the first time in weeks…