Have you ever broken a bone?
The heart is fragile, as are homes. These places of bricks or wood are more than just spaces. Over the years I have seen and met many famillies, including my own family. Some at work. What makes these spaces homes are the people living, loving, working, rising children, creaing memories. These famillies whether I know the people or not are delicate structures. When entering that space, as a friend or in the past as part of my work, it was imperiative to me that those family structures were either unaffected or positively impacted byt my presence.
In recent years I have been single after bein widowed young. This made me start to seek a partner and date. Every decision for dating has been holisitic. Not just my thoughts or feelings about the individual, but the circumsatmces of their lives, family. This is quite smply because I am acutely aware that family structure is important.
Most recently I was approached by a gentleman who is very married. The interesting part of this is always that the men in these situations are never seen as the responsible parties. Wihtout a doubt I considered the possibility of a relationship with a man who is married. In essence it seemed as though it was a very sensible situation for me. None of the issues that a full time relationship can bring. For my own mother the relationship with her partner bought nothing but good for both us and his family in the Middle East. His propensity to manage his life and respect for us meant that his relevance and impact on my family was positve and significant.
However the traditions in England are far more conservative, or perhaps more left wing ! These relationships require huge amounts of integrity and respect for all involved. Also the resources to manage and support positively the famillies. This was neverabout breaking a home. Always about creating something positive in my family that was broken.
Fast forward to my middle years and I realse that in England this sort of arragement is not possible. In England, largely due to environemt and resources, married men are unable to manage such arrangements without it leading to negative impacts om family. So although there have been a number of married Englishmen who have approached me over the years, I am always disinclned to accept. I know that even though it would not be my adultery, the woman is always the one that is viewed as the perosn for blame if there is a breakdown in the marriage. Englishmen know this, so they often consider this as an option, because although they are commtting adultery, they are well aware that the societal structure has no consequeces for the man. No suggestion that they must be able to manage such relationships responsibity.
This has meant that I would never enter such a relationship. It is the equivilent of self harm. Knowing that cultural system and the outcomes for women. I have never broken a home. But I have expereinced many broken homes, all due to te behaviour of men. Either thinking they can be violent without consequence. Can assault, sexually assault or rape without consequence. Have affairs without consequence. I have walked away from these men several times. However I do not view this as breaking a home. It was setting a clear example to my children ( female ) of what is NOT ever acceptable.
The truth is that homes reqire resources. Men break homes as they have the larger share of resources but often not enough to behave the way that they want. Their failure to manage the resoures, or assume that criminality towards women and within the family is acceptable and without cost is the problem. This is what breaks homes. SO in answer to the question I have never broken a home. However I have faced decisions that are without a doubt attempts to show me as a woman who has done so. Men are experts at defelcting responsibility for breakdowns of homes on women. As mothers women and men often perpetuate this is both example and response to male children.
I have made no secret that I would consider being a mistress or a ‘second family’ but only with a man that can handle and manage this as a cultural norm. That certainly is never going to be an Englishman. So no… But perhaps asking the males I have known you migh get a different reponse. I do not accept behaciour towards me that I would not accept from a stranger! …