The decision to write, possibly the most significant decision I have made in my life. I suppose quite simply it is because it is mine, only mine. My voice. The words cannot be taken away, there is freedom that I have lacked for so long in my life. The first time I realised that I felt trapped in England, was when I left for the first time in over a decade. I was so nervous, I packed for months and stressed a lot about the trip. Yet although it was to visit family, the moment I stepped off of the flight, I had this desire to make it through passport control to freedom as quickly as possible. It sounds odd, but It was like a plug that had been pulled out and I was running so fast I left me friend standing, who was likely very confused. Yet I had felt like I was drowning in a suffocating swamp. My husband tried to keep our spirits up, yet we both dreamt of life away from England and the traumas and difficulties. The attacks the targeting, even whilst he was dying, the rapist rather than taking a step away from our famillies grief, turned up at the hospice and hospital. It was awful. He could not have known what would follow his death. He spoke of me meeting somebody for my safety and to not be afraid to do so. But in that horrific search, I was targeted relentlessly by friend or assosciates of the rapist. I did not appreciate the full extent to which the country would sink to keep me silenced. Gagging orders, threats of detainment and drugging, having to leave our home, then subsequently move twice, eventually taking the massive step to try and leave the country. The attacks the beating the harassment, the reasons no doubt he had wanted me to meet somebody for my safety. The fear the restriction on my life, all fell apart when i finally left England the first time. It was like being able to breathe. Then after more attacks, the decision to write, the decision to blog and study. This was a turning point, a dream, that gave me freedom to speak in a way I had not been able to for so long I can barely remember. It has been a turning point. As I proof read my first book, I realise that the decision is the biggest I have taken in my life. It is me, just me, not one else. Writing is a safe space of me and a keyboard, a blank page and truest freedom to speak… I have grown as a result, found my voice on the page. It is a gift that give me comfort in all the loss and traumas of the past…..
Making the decision to write…
Daily writing prompt
Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.